I kind of think that Roderick Ethan Carter Spence was at heart like this. Passionate.
VERY passionate about LIFE, PEOPLE, EVERYTHING.
Deep kisses, strange adventures, midnight swims & rambling conversations. He just seemed the type.
FUN. Life should be a kind of carnival ride adventure FILLED WITH magical things and deeply felt emotions and wild and crazy and of course if you have ANY sense at all...you NEVER EVER EVER stop moving.
EVER.
And, in truth, I don't think he ever really did...or maybe has wherever he may be.
I wish I knew. But I am not sure.
Sometimes it's almost as if he is right
next to me, and then....poof. It is a STRANGE FEELING to be sure. His presence always was incredible and powerfully strong. Virtually tangible. Like you could hold it in your hand, chew it like steak, run your fingers through it.
He got to me, as you will see...deep and powerfully got to me...but you know what? I think I got to HIM too. Maybe I am the first...or maybe the ONLY person who ever really has. It was quite the ride...again as you shall see, and I am not really sure if I really survived it. I am still feeling myself up and pinching myself to make sure I am still alive. I was convinced at one point I wasn't. I kid you not.
How do you explain that? Amazing but I don't know. It is just this feeling...and that is the thing about Roddy. Feelings...and you can never quite put your finger on it.
I have heard that over and over. Being close to Roderick Ethan Carter Spence was in truth kind of like the wildest roller coaster ride you could possibly imagine...IF you could ever get truly close to him. To be totally honest I think few ever did.
I will tell you one thing, I don't think it is over, not by a long shot. Him and me, but how do I know that? I don't. That is the sad truth. I can't explain it. I just know. Call it instinct or wishful thinking or idle fantasy, but there it is like the proverbial 800# gorilla in the room. Silent but a force, a presence not to be denied.
Everyone always loved Roddy. From the gitgo the minute you met him, took one look and there was just something about him. He won you over right off the bat. He was gorgeous, engaging, compassionate, caring, and fun. God could he be fun. But, you never quite felt you were seeing into him.
But there was this....I don't know. I can't explain it and I have never met anyone else who could either. I never asked Roddy about it...don't know why. But I wonder if he knows.
But here's the thing. In time you began to maybe feel a bit uneasy...but you couldn't put your finger on why you felt that way? You just did. A strange gnawing feeling in your gut and you had no clue why, but SOMETHING....something.
You weren't sure and usually you got mad at yourself because you felt this way. You just knew you were being silly. Roddy...making you uneasy? Don't be silly. But, he made you feel like it was YOU who was a bit off. NEVER him, but...
Was it? What was it that made you feel that way, ALMOST a creepy crawly, bug crawling up your arm....
NO, that wasn't QUITE it...
_________________________
SAN FRANCISCO:
I was at a party at some friends who had a huge house smack dab in the middle of the Castro district and that was usually party central.
Rick and Don were very successful, one a lawyer and the other a veterinarian so there were always various and assorted animals around. Rick & Don both loved people and being very successful, they were able to host some of the best parties EVER.
It was after 9pm I think as I remember, and suddenly there right in front of me was Rick,
with someone I didn't know but immediately wanted to.
BAD wanted to.
GOD I wanted to and it would
seem he wanted to know me too,
or so Rick said when he
introduced us.
"ME?" I thought to myself.
"YOU? Want to meet ME?
Whoo."
It was that kind of ...
"OMG, HE...
WANTS TO MEET ME?
REALLY?
Or hell...Ethan Hawke or
Matt Damon or Mark Wahlberg
or OH HELL, JESUS?
Wants to meet me? F...
"Excuse me? Robert Pattinson
(or Dylan O'Brien) is waiting to talk to ME? WEEEEELY? Whoo..." and then I up and f'ing fainted. And whoever it was left.
CRAP!
But there he was and I felt faint
but didn't (for once). I looked at him as if I looked hard enough...and he looked hard
at me right back and smiled...
and I think I died.
In fact I am quite sure really.
I JUST FUCKING DIED. Right there, and not ashamed of it either. Funny thing though. I refused to fall down or even stop breathing. So embarrassing. Supposed to be dead but...
Sure felt like it. Just...I MEAN...
Is it possible to die and continue to stand up like the LAST idiot? Must be cause I did. He took the hand I didn't remember offering to him and his touch caused a wildfire of epic proportions it was SOOO hot and then the rest of me burst into flames or maybe I imagined that part. Odd how my brain kept going...
I do have a VIVID imagination
you know, being a writer and all.
"Hi," he said...SMILING the kind of smile that causes instant incineration and you know...
THAT kind and I could feel burning flesh (mine) and I
melted like cheese on a grill...
and then miraculously
re-formed and said "Hi" back
or probably actually something TOTALLY idiotic like...
My tongue was tied in knots,
my knees felt like melting jello,
my head was about to explode...
but OTHER THAN THAT...
I was JUST fine and probably said so which would have made NO sense to anyone else but wtf.
We stood, and the heat from one of us or both of us or the furnace in my pants and...I needed a drink and since I had one in my hand...blushed I am sure and DRANK. Like a man dying of thirst...in the middle of a coke bottling plant. How stupid. Good God.
THAT was my introduction to Roderick Ethan Carter Spence,
and I am astonished either of us survived it.
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